I have just returned from an evening drive and feel exhilarated and open. Let me back up a bit.
Several days ago, I was feeling quite needy and impatient about my relationship, wondering where it is going and when it will get to where I want it to be. And because I was not finding it very useful or productive to sit with these emotions, I pulled a card from my beautiful Goddess Power Oracle deck by Colette Baron-Reid. The card that came up alarmed me and I didn’t exactly understand it’s meaning, until perhaps just this evening on my cathartic drive.
Oracle Message: “…Now is the time for you to let certain parts of your life die and recognize this process as something to celebrate as well as to mourn. Let go with love and gratitude. Leave your fears behind. For in death, there is great magic as nothing can ever be truly destroyed. From the ashes of the old, a new life and new dreams will come to be. Face this time of dying and death with love and courage. Be willing to be empty. Soon the goddess Morrighan will fill you up with magic, and a new world will be born for you. This is her gift for you when you surrender your resistance and allow things to be as they are.”
At the time, this message felt like a warning that something terrible was about to happen. But I do feel so secure in my relationship and quickly understood this card to be alerting me to something a bit deeper and less obvious.
Let me just say for one thing that this message is no joke, and I believe deeply in the power of death as a means for and a path to profound transformation–even in a very literal sense at times. I searched my whole life for love and always came up short, and never honestly even came close. My mother passed in December 2017 and I met my partner in August 2018 at the age of 38. So much waiting and trying and searching and failing, and then Mama passes and poof. It was so easy and wasn’t even a struggle when I met my partner, and I had never imagined the process could be so simple. There is just something that opens when death takes place and it is difficult to convey and to even understand. But I have experienced it many times in my life, facing many losses and bouncing back even stronger, receiving greater gifts than I could have imagined otherwise, and that could never have taken place without the loss.
A photograph I took of my mother when I was in college, ca. 2000
However, tonight my car ride felt more about the death of an old version of myself, or at least certain parts of myself, and needing to let go of these parts in order to move forward as a Goddess in love. As my partner and I were settling in for the evening, I felt this need to escape and get in touch with my goddess by way of music. It seemed odd to venture out at 9:30pm after I was all cozy in my pajamas and having just lost a game of Scrabble (a rare event…I’m super amazing at Scrabble). But I just felt like I had to drive and I had to sing. I quick put together a goddess playlist because there was also this part of me that knew I needed to FEEL lots of things, and music to me is the best way for me to get in touch with all of my emotions. I love being in a relationship more than anything, but when you’re sharing your life with someone, it’s important to keep the emotions in check. It’s okay to express everything and anything, and a goddess should be able to do that with her partner (and I do!), but I was feeling the need to just get nuts with my emotions and just let them all out like Crazytown, USA. So off I went.
Say whatever you want about my taste in music, but these are sacred tunes to me and have been with me through a lot. A person’s taste in music is like their fingerprint and no two fingerprints are the same. Also, a person can’t help their fingerprint, it just is, and there is no wrong or right. I may sound defensive I suppose, but I don’t really know many people who respect my taste in music, and most just tease me, except for the rare and sacred few. You know who you are.
The second I got in the car and the moment I turned on the music, I felt uplifted and almost excited to take this journey. I headed for the highway and just kept singing and feeling. And then, when Lady Gaga’s “Marry the Night” came on, I found myself squealing with weeps through the lyrics, tears running down my face. This song is so beautiful and powerful, and the music video is one of her absolute bests.
This song used to be my anthem. Every time I heard it, it was like it was written for me and being sung to me. It’s about hope and resilience in the face of loss. It’s about taking on your demons and refusing to give up, even when your heart has been hammered. I experienced so much pain and loss as a single person, and listening to this song tonight felt so nostalgic. I found myself missing the struggle. There is something so beautiful about the search for love and the search for self. It’s like no other experience. It’s the journey that only a young and innocent soul can experience, and when one finds love and overcomes their ghosts, there is no longer that striving need, at least not in that way anymore. It was a solitary struggle and I got through it all on my own, all by myself. That was the only way and that was part of it. The lonely road, even with all the support in the world, which I was always lucky enough to have, is still the only road to take on the way to love. It’s also how I found The Goddess, and my path belongs to only me. Yet, when one finds love, their path takes a different turn and it is no longer just about one person anymore. And on this night, I felt the profound loss and sadness of this part of me that is no longer. I wouldn’t change anything at all, but I was missing that old part of me as I sung along to Gaga, knowing I will never be in that sacred space again. How beautiful it was.
After this song and several others, I continued to travel along the highway until another song struck me in a completely different way. Leave it to Miranda Lambert to get those Goddess Juices flowing. She will F up Yo’ Sh-t! She’s badass and cray cray and I love her music to pieces. The song is “Gunpowder and Lead“ and it’s about domestic abuse. Miranda takes an incredibly frightening and devastating piece of subject matter and turns it on its ass.
“I’m goin’ home gonna load my shot gun, wait by the door and light a cigarette. He wants a fight well now he’s got one, he aint seen me crazy yet. Slap my face and shook me like a rag doll, don’t that sound like a real man? I’m gonna show him what little girls are made of, gunpowder and lead.”
This particular subject is very close to my heart, speaking of my dear mother. During her deep and destructive alcohol addiction that lasted most of my life, she disappeared from our lives (we were around 16 years old), and during that time, unbeknownst to us, she was involved in one of the most violent abuse situations I have ever heard of. She confessed to me during a phone call years later, all the sick and twisted forms of abuse this man inflicted upon her, and I say with all honesty that it was something no movie or book or anything in anyone’s darkest imaginations could have conjured. She survived within inches of her life. Apparently, her abuser dropped her off at the hospital knowing she would most likely die on his bed if he didn’t, and made her walk into the emergency room by herself. Imagine walking yourself into a hospital with a broken pelvis, broken ribs, and every one of your toes broken. Luckily, this was the last time she would ever see him. All the doctors said she would not make it, and once she did survive, she had to have physical therapy to even be able to speak again. When we were finally reunited with her months later, we instantly recognized her changed body, most notably her mangled ears, flattened, misshapen, and pressed permanently up against her skull.
The day we were reunited with Mom after the abuse, ca. 1997.
As I listened to this song tonight, I recalled a dream I had two nights ago. Perhaps it was leading up to this evening’s emoting sesh. In the dream, I found my mother on the sidewalk, having fatally hit her head and within minutes of death. I scrambled to help her and felt helpless, knowing there was nothing I could do. In the dream, I could see the blood from the back of her head start seeping onto the sidewalk. Then moments later, I returned to find her entire face covered in blood (sorry this is so graphic). I quickly wiped the blood from her eyes in an attempt to make her more comfortable in the last moments of her life, and she then lifted her face to mine and whispered words of love, telling me I had done good and kissing me on the cheek. As I listened to this song, I found myself feeling so sad and so sorry that I was never able to help my mom through that terrible situation. How could I? We were just kids, we never even knew where she was at at the time, and she was always afraid that he would come find us (he threatened her regularly with this notion, so she never dared contact us for all the months she was with him). But still, as a grown woman, knowing now what she as a grown woman endured, felt heartbreaking and wretched. I let the tears flow and continued to sing through my cracked and shaky voice. It felt good to release all that and I understood why I felt so compelled to drive tonight. Stuff was stirring and it had to be released.
I don’t exactly know the point of this post tonight, except to say that loss and change and death don’t have to be the end game. These are pieces of the whole and are just as important as the joys and triumphs. I’m at a point now where I am transitioning out of my old life as a single person, realizing I no longer identify with those struggles, and yet wanting to still hold onto pieces of them. These memories and perspectives feel like my precious little babies, and to let them go feels strange and sad. But it’s a process that must be, and I welcome it, even if parts of it feel painful. I have nothing but gifts upon gifts entering my life and I want them to keep on rolling in. So these old pieces of me must depart if I am to venture into the new. I’m so happy I listened to The Goddesses today and took this drive. Thank you for listening to my adventure for the evening. Until next time…