I’m still meditating, folks. I’m in my third week now and it has not gotten any easier. If anything, it feels harder because the novelty has worn off. However, I wonder if there is something to this whole practice after all.
Okay, the actual meditation part for me is utter torture. It’s kind of like running, which I don’t do. But I hear from runners that they hate every minute of it but feel so great after. Or they do it even though they hate it because it’s good for them, or whatever motivates them. I know some runners get “runners high,” and some meditators get like “meditative highs,” but I’m just a person who doesn’t run and hates to meditate. So, to continue doing this requires an act of will and commitment on my part. I do trust in the process and trust that there is value in meditation. Like, Hello! Anyone who has achieved any kind of profound wisdom meditates on the reg. It’s ancient and it works, there is no denying that. I just can’t believe how much I dislike it and how difficult it is. But I’m also holding the belief that it won’t always feel this way, and these are kind of growing pains that will subside eventually. I’m rewiring my system and re-circuiting my brain currents. It takes time and feels uncomfortable, but it’s okay.
I did have kind of an amazing thing happen in Week Two, however, and I’m not sure if it relates to meditating or it’s just a coincidence. I typically don’t believe in coincidences as much as I believe in magic, so let’s say that these two events are related, synchronistic, and downright divine.
For weeks, I had been experiencing a low-level ickiness feeling inside with regards to my fairy project. I had pivoted from fine art collage work to explore a new project, tapping into my childhood nostalgia and following my inspiration to create fairy imagery. The project from the beginning was a struggle and I just wasn’t feeling quite right about any of it. Above is the lovely “Geldavoy” and I love her and all, but it just wasn’t adequately expressing all the magical imagery I had flitting through my brain. My outsides weren’t matching my insides and it really sucked. I just couldn’t seem to find a way through this creative block. Now, have a look at some of my meditation notes from Week Two and notice Friday’s entry specifically.
“Why so much resistance? Lean into the resistance and you’re left with the present moment that I don’t want to be in. I want to be in the future.”
“Thinking about how much I hate this. yet intrigued why I can’t just sit for one more minute.”
“Once I reached peace, why was I so anxious to get out of it and stop meditating?”
“Stretched first, helped body stay relaxed.”
“Epiphany this morning in bed. Consumed by it and couldn’t really focus, even though body was completely calm, mind was calmly running.”
That morning, I opened my groggy eyes, and the idea for a new creative direction for my fairy project just popped into my head, effortlessly as I was gently waking. That day I began work on this idea, and by the following day, I had this…
And the next day I had this…
And by today, I had finished this…
I felt on fire with creative flow and my insides were finally matching my outsides. This was the magic I was feeling stir within me for weeks, and this was the vehicle to communicate all of it. These are what I call “Fairy Habitats” and I’m obsessed. [PS The initial epiphany also took place on the day of the Full Moon Eclipse, whoa. I mean, of course it did, but still, whoa.]
So is it possible that this effortless epiphany arose from the stillness of my two weeks worth of meditative practice?
Today, several days after my creative burst, this evening actually, I began feeling deflated again. I started feeling a bit like, “Is this it?” As if it wasn’t enough to come into alignment with my creative soul and manifest the exact incarnation of said soul into art that pleases me and delivers magic to the world. Nope, not enough, apparently. Feeling lost and stuck again this evening, I decided to rely on my Goddesses again for some guidance (Oracle deck from Colette Baron-Reid). And again, I was given great wisdom. I pulled several cards, all of which helped redirect my ego energy and shift me back into myself. But one card stood out.
Empowerment Message: The Japanese goddess of winter, Yuki-Onna, calls you to a practice of daily mediation and stillness to prepare you for greater productivity and results. Being open and receptive, slowing down, and allowing for time to dream activates your partnership with the universe so you can truly set your intentions in motion. Then, almost without effort, you discover their vibrational match in the world of form. Just as the life force quietly builds within a seed buried under snow, so too will the energy build in the seed of your desires before manifesting with no effort on your part. You will find how easy it is to co-create while implementing a practice of stillness and receptivity. Let others make the first move at this time as you assess and observe the world around you from the profound position of stillness and neutrality. In this way, the world becomes more intimate, yet you know to take nothing personally. When the goddess Yuki-Onna comes to support you, be still–this calls in the miracles. The action now is nonaction.
This message was an amazing reminder of the process I have just gone through in order to get to the next level of my creative flow. When done correctly, manifesting and flow can and should be rather effortless, like waking up and opening your eyes. I had meditated every morning during the week leading up to my epiphany, creating that stillness and making room for the seed to grow. I had also, the night before my epiphany, had a conversation with my bestie about my creative frustrations, and he wisely advised that it was time to let go. In general, letting go is also almost always the right thing to do.
We chatted that evening and I decided to just put my fairy project down for a bit. Next morning, boom.
I’ve been so impatient with my life lately, more so than normal, and I’ve been pushing and pushing. There is even a part of me, after receiving that beautiful message from Yuki-Onna, that feels guilty for writing this post, since stillness is so advised. And I’m seriously signing off in a few minutes. But I wanted to share these magical events and to just make note of this process I’m partaking in. I want to remember this, especially for those times when I just want to quit my meditation practice. And whether I’m meditating, or just being still and letting go, it’s gotta happen. I just gotta get still. One just can’t have the flow without the ebb. It’s okay to embrace the ebb. The ebb gets way less love than it deserves.
Okay, Ebb, I honor you now, and I seek comfort in your sludge-like nature. It’s where I need to be right now.
I always trust the Goddesses and know they never lead me astray.
Thank you for it all.